happy halloween !!!!!

you may have heard me tell this story before, about they guy i went to school with who was the younger brother of the lead singer for the band 'cake'. how solomon carrying his guitar strapped to his backpack 10 miles into the grand canyon on a trip i went on and then played the same 4 chords all three days we were in the canyon...well, looks like he's developed his talent.

speaking of alissa stories©, i have a new one. i don't have time to write it now, but it involoves a flying teenager, a broken metal ladder, and me ending up in a giant puddle of muddy water...details to follow...(and next time you see me in person, you will likely hear it again - if i do that, tell me that you've already heard it. you don't have to listen politely and nod - i know i repeat myself all the time...it's just another one of the rotating ramblings of mine)

going back to what i talked about the other day...the group of kids that just left (they were here for a three day program) were from a rural area in north carolina. very different from the suburb kids - they were respectful and polite. and really fun. little attitude - and they were 8th graders!

i was talking to one of the teachers as the kids were loading the buses. i commented on how good the kids were. he agreed, but also said 'this trip is a really big deal for them. for some this is as far as they will ever go. i've even seen a few that had full scholorships to colleges and didn't go because they didn't want to leave their families. but it's changing, and the factory and farming and tobacco jobs that used to be pretty much guarenteed aren't there any more. these kids are in a tough situation'.

yet they were happy, positive, willing to participate...whereas some (maybe even many) of the kids whose parents drive them here in their cadillac escalade because they don't want their kid to have to ride on the school bus who will almost certainly go to college, and not have to worry about *too* much have attitudes, are 'too good' for everything, call each other 'stupid' and 'dumb' when one makes a mistake, talk back to me...

i am very thankful for the opportunities that i have been given - and that i have chosen to take them. just before they left, i was talking to the group of kids i had been working with. i asked them somethings they had learned. many of them said 'that if something is intimidating or scary, i still need to give it a try, because it will be better to have tried.'

wow. i was so happy to hear this from them. when i had been talking to them about my backpacking trip, driving across country, etc., one said, 'it's like it's a cool story - only it's real!' i encouraged them to take those chances, act on opportunities, risk failing...i am so fortunate to have this job. :)

what would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

i like to think i don't have a fear of failing. i don't fear of failing myself, and if i do 'fail' something, i what i learn from it is usually more valuable than what i would have gained if i had succeeded.

i do, though, fear failing other people. disappointing other people. at times i let this control too many aspects of my life. everytime i tell my dad how much i love my job, he responds with 'can't you do that in california? aren't there jobs in california?'

i love the fact that i am NOT in california, that i have the opportunity to explore someplace new. his comments trigger feelings of guilt, that i should live back in southern california like my sister. it's a struggle to do things for myself - not to do them, rather to do them without feeling guilt, without feeling selfish, without feeling like i am letting SOMEONE down.

if i was not afraid of failing, i would live my life as i choose to - doing what i love, what i feel passionate about, what makes me feel whole.

i know, i know, that sounds sappy. but i really think that fear does hold me back.

i went climbing!!!! :)

went to the gym in durham. then to whole foods in chapel hill. i love whole foods...i wanted to buy so much good food! the health food selection at the grocery stores here is meager. fortunately, they'll buy it for the house. (i get room and board as part of my 'payment' at work)...at a grocery store, i'm not even tempted by most of the stuff there - i rarely spend more than $30...but a health food store?? i want to buy everything! maybe it's just nice to see the types of foods i like to eat all together...

it's autumn!!!

i know, i was already excited about that one once. but you wouldn't believe the colors. it's so beautiful! everything slightly different each day. i need to take some pictures. i love the trees with the bright red orange leaves - they look like they are on fire.

i'm going to see trey anatasio in asheville on halloween!!!

miraculously, i was able to get the day off. woo! so far i am going alone, but that's alright - i am stoked to be able to go to the show, as well as spend a day in asheville. (the kids all laugh when i say 'stoked' - california surfer slang, they say). any one wanna come with me?

a bleated congratulations to april and malena. two bundles of joy - both boys - nathaniel and corey. :)

when i was walking the other day, i noticed the reflection of the trees and the sky in the lake. i find it fascinating that it's a mirror opposite of what is going on above the water, just a little ripply. the trees towering above the surface, and also seemingly plunging down. i wonder if that's what we become when we reflect - turned upside down and uneven. at least, that's how it feels, often, in my mind.

i hate the roads here. drives (pun intended) me crazy!! why can a road be both hwy 15, 510 and durham blvd? pick one, already, so i can figure it out! in californina, if it;s a freeway, you can only enter and exit at designated entrance/exit ramps. no businesses, no driveways. if it's a road, you make left and right turns, don't need to 'exit' or 'enter', has other streets intersecting it, and has businesses/houses/etc along it.

here, that's not the case. i can't find much of a difference between highways and roads, wish that they'd pick one thing to call a road, and can't figure out how to merge into traffic when the entrance ramp is oh, maybe 100 feet long. i took the scenic route to durham/chapel hill this weekend. i didn't get 'lost' - because i knew when i made a wrong turn, but often had to wait 5 miles for another exit so i could correct my mistake. pfft. good thing i don't drive much here. :)

ah, better. needed to get that complaint out of the way. gimme LA freeways anyday!

random random random...my brains on high speed trying to catch up with all the thoughts that didn't occur last week because i had kids on the brain. i was even dreaming about work! good thing i like what i do.

the sunset thursday was spectacular. more than spectacular, but i can't think of a word that means that. :)

the air is crisp and the leaves are beginning to turn - autumn is here.

i'm going to the beach today.

i love my job.

life is good. :)

(though, i wish i could post here more often!)

war,
the only way to peace
i don't fall for that... - dave matthews

i have become a quote junkie here lately - i think because i have more time to read, and no newspaper. my human interactions are mostly with kids half my age - damn, that makes me feel old! - and my coworkers. somewhat of a sense of isolation, but considering what's going on in the world, it's nice. a little ignorant maybe, but nice.

i heard a conversation yesterday, one kid said 'yeah, i worked all summer...,' the other 'you worked?' (they were 7th graders) 'yeah,' said the first one, 'for my dad.'

'i went to new jersey' answered the other.

for some reason, i found this highly amusing. sometimes i wish i had a tape recorder with the kids - when you put them together and have them work as a team, it's interesting to see how their minds work...

been finding time to read the books that i have been meaning to read. currently it's 'a language older than words' by derrick jensen. it examines our culture's relationship with the earth, with animals, and with each other. how our culture is headed toward collapse. the question is not IF it will collapse, but when. why when? why can't we persue another way? one that just may work? instead, we follow along, don't make waves, do what we are 'supposed' to do.

that is the trap i find myself in - what i am supposed to do vs. what i love. it is really difficult to me to admit i am not living the 'college degree house husband kids dog suburb' life, because that is what i feel i was raised to do. i was taught not how to figure out how to live using the money you make doing something you love, but to make lots of money doing something you hate so you can have the 'stuff' you love. i'd love to make the life i am living now feasible, but that seems impossible many days. i know it can be done, but it is against all that i have been programmed to be. moving here to north carolina was running away a bit, i guess. but i needed to get away to find out who i am. but i only feel like me when i AM away. i do trust, though, that however it is meant to be is how it will happen.

back to the book, i highly recommend it. i think there are a lot more people than many of us realize attempting to deny the trappings of our culture and live on their terms. there are chapters about animals, plants, people and the interconnectedness that exists between all of them. why does our culture seek to conquer everything? and why will we only be satisfied when we do? will we be satisfied? or will we destroy ourselves in the process?

a passage which i enjoyed...

the people in my classes did not need to be controlled, managed, even taught. what we needed was to be encouraged, accepted, and loved for just who we are. we needed not to be governed by a set of rules that would tell us what we needed to learn and what we needed to express, but to be given time in a supportive space to explore who we are and what we wanted, with the assisstance of others who had our own best interests at heart. i believe that is true not only for my students, but for all of us, human and nonhuman alike. all we want, whether we be honeybees, salmon, trash-collecting ants, ponderosa pines, coyotes, human beings or stars, is to love and be loved, to be accepted, cherished, and celebrated for simply being who we are. is that so very difficult?

risk choosing the uncertain rather than the predictable and you will never tire of being alive.

i have been reading a couple of buddhist books recently. one (that i believe i have writte about before) is by a buddhist nun, 'comfortable with uncertainty'. i am quite content now, the place i am in feels very good, and very right. however, i sometimes think of december - where i am going next, what will happen...will i attempt a return to my sacramento life? will i continue further down the path i have started down? what will happen to my 'other' life if i do? how will i know what decision to make? when will i make it?

i have to remind myself to be patient. now everything is great. so many good moments, some challenging ones, some frustrating ones, but i am quite content. i realize when i am aware of the present moment, enjoying, recieving it fully, everything is managable, and i can escape from those worrisome thoughts which do not have answers now. to realize that the answers will come, and that i will know when they do.

from the book...i like this passage:

see what is

holding on to beliefs limits our experience of life. that doesn't meanthat beliefs or opinions or ideas are a problems. it's the stubborn attitude of having to have things be a particular way, grasping on to our beliefs and opinions, that causes the problems. using your belief system this way creates a situation in which you choose to be blind instead of being able to see, to be deaf instead of being able to hear, to be dead rather than alive, asleep rather than awake.

as people who want to live a good, full, unrestricted, adventurous, real kind of life, there is concrete instruction we can follow: see what is. when you catch yourself grasping at beliefs or toughts, just see what is without calling your belief right or wrong, acknowledge it. see it clearly without judgement and let it go. come back to the present moment. from now until the moment of your death,you could do this.

unavoidable??? i have a really hard time believing war is 'unavoidable'

none of the major terrible problems that threaten the survival of the earth can be solved by merely institutional or political methods. humankind to survive has the undergo a massive and unprecedented change of heart, and ordered and passionate spiritual revolution that changes forever our relation to each other and to nature. it is only from such a revolution that the new vision the planet so desperately needs can arise - a vision that sees the connections between the obsession with the individual self and and its hunger for false securities and every kind of exploitation that is ruining the world. - the dalai lama

i think we are in desperate need of this revolution, if we don't destroy ourselves first.

went and saw keller williams again at ziggy's in winston salem. even better than the harvest festival - a great place to see a show, and we were only about 2 rows back from the stage. his facial expressions added much more to the show - and we got a sweet phish cover - stash. he played for over 3 hours!!! tired, though. didn't get home until 3am. *yawn*

had my first group of kids tuesday/wednesday. i survived! it was fun. challenging, hard work, but fun. i had a great group. 7th graders. before we split into groups, the staff introduced ourselves. my coworker, crystal, is from wyoming. after she announced this to the group , and the fact that there are more cows than people in wyoming, a boy raised his hand.

'is wyoming a city or a county?'

this kid is in 7th grade! but, we all had to suppress giggles.

at the campfire that night, i posed a question to the group.

'if you could spend the afternoon with anyone, who would you pick and why?'

one girl told me 'jerry faldwell. because he's really smart and helps people'

hmm.

then a boy said bill clinton. so he could ask what he *really* did.

curious.

it's quite interesting to see how these kids think!

it all went well - the kids seemed to have a great time, even with the frustration that the team building exercises often cause. the accomplished quite a bit, were fearless on the high ropes course, and finally began to listen to each other and not all talk at once. (that was very very very hard to do. you know how loud twelve 12 year olds are??) plus, i received good evalutions from the parent chaperones, who answered the question "was the instructor positive and patient with the students?" with a YES!! on the sheet. yay!! and that i helped the students learn self respect and responsibility, as well as getting them to work together as one. very rewarding. :) i know not every group will be as easy, but i am really happy about my decision to come here. it's been such a positive experience. i feel so content! (but i do wish i had dsl and my cell phone worked!!) can't have it all i guess :P