argh. lottery processing. i have no patience sometimes.

*bows to warehouse ticket gods*

wonder what i have to offer them for front row seats?

because that's where i'd love to be sitting when i FINALLY hear say goodbye. i will hear it. (power of positive thinking)

got my greensboro phish tickets today. woo!

i love music.

some of the best news i've heard in a LONG LONG time. his speech tonight will be interesting, i'm sure.

the dawn of 2003 passed almost a month ago, and i'm just starting to ponder the year that preceeded it. two things that had always been dreams of mine happened: i was able to go on my NOLS trip, and i was able to take a job that i loved. i also was fortunate to meet many old and new friends, attend more concerts that i have in all the other years of my life combined, drive alone across the country, hang out with 2 members of dmb (shut up, i'm a geek), live in snow for a bit, play with my two beautiful fluffy white babies, backpack, climb, snowshoe, ski...it was a great year. i try to live my life without regrets - and i can truly say i can't think of anything i have done that i regret - without those experiences, i would not be the person i am today.

sometimes we meet someone who seems to have a great sense of well being and we wonder how that person got to be that way. we would like to be that way. that well being is often a result of having been brave enough to be fully alive and awake to every moment of life, including all the lack of cheer, all the dark times, all the times when the clouds cover the sun. through our own good spirit, we can be willing to relate directly with what's happening, with precision and gentleness. that's what creates fundemantel cheerfulness, fundemental relaxation. - pema chodron, 'when things fall apart'

i don't really make new year's resolutions, but i know i will be keeping the passage above in my heart as a guide.

i really do love this song. preferably with stevie nicks.

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Well...

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older, too
Well I'm getting older too

So, take this love and take it down
Year and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe
Well maybe
Well maybe the landslide will bring you down

excuse my language, but, fuck.

i guess i am too much of a pacifist - i just have a really hard time justifing a war, of killing people needlessly. the prospect of it is quite frightening, considering the world we live in, the weapons that exisit, terrible acts that people have committed.

people ask me why i'm reluctant to have children. this is one of the biggest reasons. the world just seems to be getting so much worse - so fast. i have a hard time justifying to myself bringing another life into such an uncertain, overpopluated world. it would feel selfish to me, quite honestly.

california has a new 'special interest' license plate. according to the dmv the plates are for...

September 11th California Memorial License Plates fund scholarships for the children of Californians who died in the terror attacks. Proceeds also go to the Antiterrorism Fund, which helps California's law enforcement fight threats of terrorism in the Golden State

the have a background image representing the american flag, and california is written in a font i hate, but that's beside the point. i've been seeing more and more of these plates around, and so far every one i've seen is personalized. today when i was out walking the dogs, i saw an interesting one. on a giant suv (some kind of range rover) there was a 'september 11th memorial license plate'. the personalization on the plate?

HOG GAL

now, when you think of that in terms of fossil fuels, it's quite an interesting statement to make. on a 9.11 plate at that.

on the morning edition today there were two stories that followed each other with curious messages. the first was about the cost of war: [i]NPR's David Molpus reports on the job of figuring the financial cost of a U.S. strike on Iraq. Estimates run from a billion a week -- even without any fighting -- to $25 billion a year for a post-war occupation of Iraq. The Congressional Budget Office's estimate ranges from $40 billion to $200 billion. [/i]

steve coaziak of the washington-based center for strategic and budgetary assessment says 'we have an ecomomy of 11 trillion dollars...so, paying costs in the range of 100 to 200 billion dollars is something this country can certainly afford...'

in the second story talks about the shortage of employees for homeland security, 'Some worry about the shortage of qualified first responders, as many local firefighters, EMTs, and police officers are also military reservists who could be called to active duty.' for all of these agencies, they are dealing with added duties without added money to support it. according the the federal government, they are dealing with a deficit and it is a mistake to look to them for money.

this logic seems confusing to me. how can we afford $100 to $200 billion dollars but not funding for these important angencies? on top of that, we have limited funding for schools and other crucial social services. i suppose bush isn't going to be showering us with $150 tax refunds this year. he's probably saving it for just before the next election.

in other 'news' - 'The super-sizing of the American waistline over the past 30 years has coincided with a sharp increase in food portion sizes inside and outside the home--most notably in fast food restaurants, according to a study released Tuesday.'

they needed a study to figure this out? how about going to a mcdonalds and looking at the menu? or a 7-11 and checking out the sizes of the big/super/monsterous gulps. if they'd only use that money to fund some nutrition programs...they're spending so much money telling americans that they are overweight - but they don't seem to be doing much else about it.

i guess it's the government - it's not supposed to make logical sense, anyway.

a month from now i'm going to be back in my car heading to the other side of the country again.

i'm really excited. :) can't wait to go back.

my horoscope for today. interesting. *goes and searches for a quarter to flip*

hey, a decision this big, i'm going to use a quarter. or maybe i'll go hunt down one of those sacajwea (someone's going to correct that terrible spelling) gold dollars...

Today you might find yourself at a loss as to how to proceed with a particular task or project with which you're involved, dear Taurus. There might be a number of options open to you, all workable, and this might prove confusing. If all options are efficient and practical, don't agonize over your decision. Flip a coin if you have to! Success is strongly indicated if you don't stress yourself out in the process

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

more quoting, but i love this song.i know i don't discuss my personal life too much here (and the few times i have it just caused problems - more then already exisited)...but i know the confusion i've trapped myself in the middle of will soon reach some sort of resolution. things have been difficult for so long, that it's gotten to the point where it is simply easier to be miserable in what's familiar rather than change. i'm more afraid of the uncertain.

it's quite unlike me - to be so indecisive, to be so scared. i can quit my 'office' job doing what i studied in college because i am bored and unchallenged. i worked for myself, doing lots of 'learning by doing' and making a decent income (before the dotcom collapse), i can pack up my car and drive across the country by myself to take a job in an unfamiliar place doing something new, i can fly to the other side of the country to meet people i've only talked to online, i've dealt with the loss of a parent, survived a serious car accident - my dad thinks purely by determination that i was going to be fine....

...why can't i have the guts to face up to my feelings and make some decisions in my relationship?

DAVE & TIM!! 3 dates in north carolina! and i'm going back for the spring season at my job! i'm just a tiny bit excited!

*prays to warehouse ticket gods*

the truth is that for some time now she had been dimly aware of a darkness gnawing at the edge of her mind, a gathering blackness that she couldn't name, but she felt it as a hole, an emptiness into which something alien might step. it was a kind of hunger. - rebacca miller, personal velocity

!!! --- !!!!

cracker jacks didn't always have a prize inside. the hit the market in 1872 and the prize wasn't added until 1912.

bummer, eh? kids in 1872 didn't get those funky water tatoo thingys.

despite historic hysteria, nonrabid wolves do not attack humans.

i'm happy i knew that before i saw the one on my nols trip.

the rich do not play. the evidence is clear. the more money you make, the less you play.

hence my job where i got to play with kids all day paying me $200 a week. i'm going back the end of february. guess i'd rather play than be rich.

the highest zipcode is not 99999. it's 99950 in ketchikan, alaska. which is in southern alaska. guess it doesn't need too many zip codes.

damn, you live all the way in alaska and you don't even get a cool zipcode. geez.

(can y'all tell i just bought '1001 more facts somebody screwed up'. fun stuff. i love the sale tables at barnes and noble.)

today i went climbing outside in a tank top. then i drove home with the windows down watching the amazing golden sunset that looked like a giganitc watercolor painting.

what's with this weather? it's january, isn't it?

alissa is newly established and running for her life

googlism...hmm...try yours: http://www.googlism.com/

some of these made me smile...some are funny...wonder who all these alissas are?

alissa is discovered
alissa is zombie
alissa is the first skater and will perform to "rushing wings of dawn" by tim janis
alissa is going to be a very popular escort who will attract many regular clients
alissa is a descendant of the rare angel bears
alissa is also a voiceover actress in her own right
alissa is also a voice
alissa is stunningly beautiful
alissa is motivated by life long learning
alissa is able so to play on his chivalry
alissa is showing that she has talents above and beyond what she was initially hired for
alissa is a senior majoring in journalism and women's studies
alissa is very picky when it comes to guys
alissa is our baby girl
alissa is comfortable with light and modern furnishings and all the bedrooms and the sitting room are equipped with air conditioning
alissa is the oldest
alissa is a versatile and experienced free
alissa is relieved that her dad is still alive
alissa isn'ta slave
alissa is perfectly content with her life in the foothills
alissa is" into google
alissa is a very good mover and has a very good angulation
alissa is so unhappy
alissa is conditioned and ready to do limited distance or 50 milers
alissa is desperate for more than a ride to london
alissa is a well rounded aspiring professional
alissa is a headstrong
alissa is a travel agent
alissa is newly established and running for her life
alissa is a star athlete in
alissa is eight years old
alissa is turning 14 on october 3
alissa is a 2001 graduate of brown university
alissa is also not a christian
alissa is furious
alissa is the one who suggests that we save time on our ski trips for a magical walk in the woods
alissa is writing a memoir of her healing journey
alissa is a product of the 'starshots make up academy' with specialisation in glamour and photographic make
alissa is a sophomore
alissa is in kindergarten and loves playing with her friends and older sister
alissa is twelve years old when her father sends her to work in the city
alissa is 12 inches tall
alissa is working on a novel
alissa is a bitch
alissa is an attorney with an extensive history of working in the areas of domestic violence
alissa is not sure she can trust a plainsman
alissa is no wimp
alissa is a white female
alissa is better at keeping her warm than i am
alissa is working on producing assessment software for a teaching grant that we have for this year
alissa is the 866th most popular female first name in the united states; frequency is 0
alissa is a talented
alissa is the 2001 eastern great lakes regional junior champion
alissa is usually very chatty and sociable
alissa is someone that you can always count on and is there for you when things get tough
alissa is also a volunteer at the museum of science computer clubhouse
alissa is a skilled listener and writer
alissa is a wonderful model with a very nice figure
alissa is a member of the lady chaparrals softball team
alissa is a girl
alissa is a sweet and enterprising young lady
alissa is hyper
alissa is an asset
alissa is taking care of the vocals on this track
alissa is an excellent assistant and can keep students learning while having fun

why are cereal bags so damn difficult to open without tearing it at an odd, uneven angle, ripping the bag vertically and causing cereal to spill everywhere as you attempt to pour it into your bowl? when you finish the bag, you find a pile of squished stale cereal crumbs at the bottom of the box - the flakes that were sucked into the vast crevices of the deep, dark cereal box instead of ending up where they belong - in your bowl.

every other type of plastic-bag-type packaging seems to now have a ziploc closure. there is an entire aslile of cereal - always with 'new! impoved! more sugar! every vitamin that you can imagine so you don't have to eat real food just cereal!' cereal for women, for kids, for the elderly...who next? point being, if they have the time and money (at $4 a box, they better have the money) to come up with all these other 'great' things, WHY can't they make bags that you can open neatly and close completely?

in honor of dave's birthday, cereal was eaten out of the 'eat drink and be merry' bowl. :) (yeah, i know christmas was a few weeks ago. the bowl is great though - plenty deep, so the milk (soy) doesn't slosh out. it's handy for ice cream, too. when it makes it out of the carton into a bowl, that is. usually ends up going straight from pint to spoon to mouth.

i love this song. even if it never fails to make me cry. it's beautiful.
strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
when I’m holding on underneath this shroud
rain

its hard to know when to give up the fight
two things you want will just never be right
its never rained like it has to night before
now I don’t wanna beg you baby
for something maybe you could never give
i’m not looking for the rest of your life
i just want another chance to live - patty griffin

this is pretty damn cool. phish released their new year's run as shn's and mp3's as downloads to purchase, and said they'd be available within 2 days of the show. i know i had a hard time getting thru for a day or so, but by yesterday afternoon was able to download all the shows. there was a strain on their server, which wasn't suprising to me. i had the shows within just a few days, which is fine by me. it was a bit of a hassle, but to be expected as they start this new service. today in my inbox i got this email:

Dear Live Phish Downloads User,

Thank you very much for your patience and encouragement as we experienced some growing pains this
past week. The entire New Year's Run is now available for download to those of you who
pre-ordered the shows.

As you may know, we had a glitch in our system which prevented many of you, our most loyal fans,
from downloading the shows you pre-ordered through livephish.com. In our rush to make each night's
show available the next day we were unable to respond to every customer support and feedback email
we received, and we wholeheartedly apologize for not getting back to you sooner.

We want you to know that the glitch arose when we lowered the prices for the New Year's Run
shortly after launching the site. Ironically, lowering the prices in response to your feedback had an
unforeseen ripple effect on everyone who pre-ordered the run at the new price. Once we were aware
of the problem on the evening of January 1 we attempted to fix it, but the problem proved to be
more elusive than we thought.

We are grateful for your support and positive feedback, and as a thank you for your patience over
the past few days we would like to offer you a free show download of your choice from the shows we
offer from the upcoming February Tour in the same format you purchased the New Year's Run. We
will notify you via email when the tour begins with instructions on how to order your free show.

Once again, thank you so much for bearing with us as we get this up and running. We're very
excited to be able to make these shows available to you so quickly, and we will be continuously
upgrading and improving the service and customer support over the coming months.

Happy New Year!

--The Live Phish Team

go customer service! :) i'm a customer service dork...if i'm going to spend my money somewhere, i expect at least decent service. and when they go above and beyond, i'm usually hooked on the company. everyone i know has heard my 'patagonia pants i wore for 9months started to fall apart sent them for repair and they gave me my money back' (whew!) story. they stand behind their merchandise. (i know, they should for how damn expensive the stuff is, but it's bombproff stuff). i call it 'nordstrom style' service. dan once returned a pair of pants, that after 6 months of wearing (sitting at a desk!) the seat fell apart. (he has some cool boxers, but i don't think everyone needs to see them)...they gave him his money back, no questions asked. and said that they were sorry they fell apart so quickly.

contrast to my annoying robinson's may story from christmas...did i write that here? i did somewhere...had the receipt and they wouldn't give me the money back, only put it on the credit card of the person who bough it - it was a gift. if i had the GIFT receipt they would give me a store credit. not money back, but only store credit. i would settle for store credit, but they wouldn't give me that either. the manager, who *might* be able to solve the problem had 2 other departments to go to first. (because their customer service is terrible, i'll bet)...the girl finally said she could give me a lower price, cash back, because that what it was worth now.

'i have a RECIEPT that says FULL PRICE was paid, and you WON'T give me the full price back?'

nope.

frustrated, with a line of disgrungled customers behind me, i took the cash. because if i got store credit, it would mean i'd have to set foot in that store again. not gonna happen. no macy's for me either - had very similar experiences there...maybe i expect too much, but if i can get better service elsewhere, i'll go there, thank you.

i went to the movies friday night.

for a normal person, this is not a monumental event. i haven't been to the movies since, oh, shit, hmm...mission impossible II. possibly part of the reason i haven't been since. i read about a movie in the newspaper that really intrigued me, then heard a story about it on npr. on friday i snuck in a bag of smart pop in my mountainsmith pack (why can't they have healty popcorn, too? though i used to request 'lots of extra butter' (which is really a butter like gooey substance with every artery clogging oil in it. ew) and went to see 'personal velocity'. loved it.

it's based on a book written by rebecca miller. she's the grandaughter (i think) of authur miller. doesn't mean a lot, i guess, but interesting. i looked it up on amazon, thinking about purchasing it.

i scrolled down the page to read the reviews.

after the reviews there was a section that said 'customers who bought this book also bought...' with a list of book titles. under that, it said 'customers who wear clothes also shop for...'

i read that again. and one more time.

so what did the nudists prefer to buy, then?

npr.org: You've said that the matter of what we should do with our lives is "the most obvious and universal question on our plates as human beings." After interviewing hundreds of people, how would you say most of us address what you call The Question -- do we do a pretty good job of meeting it head on, flounder hopelessly, avoid it with a vengeance?

Bronson: Most attempt to answer it with one eye open, one eye closed. We let our fears govern our decisions; rather than challenging the validity of those fears, we accept the boundaries set by those fears, and end up confining our search to a narrow range of possibilities, like the guy looking for his car keys under the streetlight because he’s afraid of the dark. Some broad examples: we confine ourselves to a range that is acceptable to our parents or our spouse; we confine ourselves to places inhabited only by people "like us," meaning of our class and education level; we place too much emphasis on being respected by an imaginary audience; we shy away from avocations that take a long time to mature and pay off.

i've been quoting a lot again, i know. maybe because it's the new year, i seem to be reading quite a bit about time and how we choose to spend it. this quote really hit me: i know that when i was in north carolina i felt just really RIGHT. i loved my job. it was so satisfying to me and had much of what i desired - i got to be outside, felt as if i were doing something meaningful, met some wonderful people. but logic keeps me from thinking it was really 'right'. i was living on the other side of the country. i was making $200 a week, which was actually less than minimum wage if you worked it out hour-wise. it isn't acceptable to my dad, though he would never say that to me. but i just don't seem to dseire to be the person i feel as if i am expected to be. yet, when i feel as if i am 'myself' there is something that nags me about not living up to expectations, making the wrong choices, being frivilous about my life...who am i fooling? who can live making $200 a week, no matter how rewarding the job is.

considering i've had headaches and felt totally discombobulated since i have been 'home', i feel like my body is trying to tell me something. the question is WHAT. is it the fear of losing what i have? the fear of change? the knowing what i'll have to give up if i change?

anyways, the article/story from npr that corresponds with the quote above is excellent. there is also an excerpt from the book written by po bronson, 'what should i do with my life?'.read. enjoy. think. :)

happy new year! saw string cheese incident and keller williams in san fransisco. great time. lots of dancing. mmm.

• BE PRESENT
Even as we pass through many spaces and states of awareness, we strive to be present so we can fully Experience each and every moment. Our Time Travel journey starts with showing up and being present.

• BE OPEN-MINDED
Strive to be open-minded and honest about our attachments to time. We are also willing to change our perceptions about time and how we dance with it. This step in the process is about opening up to the possibility that we can really jump into the future.

• SET INTENTION
Visualize and then state the desired outcome of our journeys because mindfulness about our goals will make their realization more probable.

• BE PLAYFUL
Embrace curiosity, creativity, exploration, intuition and fun. We explore each moment by dancing creatively with the organically chaotic and rhythmic nature of all levels of existence.

• BE TIMELES
When we set a course based upon an intentional goal, and are open-minded, playful, intuitive and present along the way, we maximize the potential for achieving the state of oneness with any and all desired times and places. We recognize that we can be both in the moment and intuitively ahead of each moment as they unfold.