i'm a traveling (wo)man...currently in sunny (well, today was kinda june gloom-y, which is not really rainy, not even really 'cloudy', more like 'this is so cal, if it's anything but 72 and sunny, the weather sucks') southern california. my little sister is getting her master's degree sunday morning, so i flew in for her graduation. i admit, after being the 'smart' one growing up, it is somewhat painful to have her holding the same 'successful' job (2nd grade teacher) for 3 years and getting a degree whereas i'm on my 3rd career since graduating and my last job paid me $200 a week. yet, i still don't feel like i've made any mistakes. as far as what may be 'expected' of me, yes, but as far as how i feel about my life, no.

had my dad try to justify the fact that single family homes that are in the $500k range are acceptable because your heating and cooling costs are less and you don't have to replace your car 'every 5 years' because of rust. nevermind that southern californians turn their air on if it's over 75 and heat on if it's under 70...tried to explain that not everyone want every day to feel the same. 'wait until you get old,' he said. if i get old and the am driven to move to so cal simply because the weather never changes, someone please shoot me. it's crowded, expensive, image conscious...but there are 5 starbucks within a 5 mile stretch on harbor blvd in costa mesa. :P

i think he's worried because i said i will likely move east. he had a hard enough time with the 'hot' and 'cold' weather in sacramento...don't know how he'd do if i moved to the northeast. but now that i am done in north carolina, soon to be done in sacramento, i can move anywhere i damn well please. and that's pretty exciting. i've pretty much eliminated the midwest and the deep south - other than that, anyplace is game at this point. but, i have a feeling it's going to be east...maybe after living through a brutal winter, i will start understanding my dad's point.

maybe not. :P

more pam houston...i bought another one of her books at borders the other day, and was struck by this paragraph. i'd take experiences over things anyday. if the opportunity comes, why not? i've said many times - i've only regretted things i chose not to do, never things i did.

today we are talking about redefining success. i am telling her about my first notion of success, which came from my parents and involved country clubs, clothing and cars. as i became an adult, i replaced them ith a list of my own, no less arbitrary: a Ph.D, a book of short stories, a place on a best seller list, a film. but now i am coming to the understanding that success has less to do with the accumulation of things and more to do with the accumulation of moments, and that creating a successful life might be as simple as determining which moments are most valuable and seeing how many of those i can string together in a line.

i actually have computer time where i don't feel like i am bugging someone by being a 'computer hog' (i am, i'll admit it, but also happy to let someone on when they need it) and i don't have to be anywhere at any certain time, until 8am tomorrow morning. does that mean y'all are going to expect a long, meaningful entry here? ;)

lots 'o time. yay! some packing to finish, but the 'lots' part of that is over. funny to see your life stacked in a tower of plastic bins and cardboard boxes. (and CD cases...) freeing, though, too. i often feel drawn to lead a nomadic life, exisiting off what fits in your car. the two big bins are all clothing, anways - surely i could sacrafice some. i know it depends on my mood when it comes to deciding who gets what with dan when i return to CA. some days i feel like i will take very little. but then something nags me into thinking i may regret leaving the all clad pans, wine glasses, furniture, etc., not being able to afford such stuff in the future. but what if i end up living a life where i don't even *need* such things? wine tastes just fine out of a pint glass. :)

border's gift certificates are dangerous, unless it's one with an unlimited amount of money on it. got one for my birthday, $40. yesterday i wandered around the bookstore, searching for some of the books i had been wanting to read recently. plus, they had a sale. buy any two books and the third one was free. FREE! sweet. picked up a bunch of paperbacks, and ended up with 3 paperbacks and a 'book' - that po brosnon book i heard about on npr - what should i do with my life? (i'd link it to my entry, but i have no idea when that was...). i could get the 3 paperbacks, and have $10 or so left over, or the book, too, and go $15 over....of course i ened up with all four of them. funny, one of them was 'your money or your life', which i've always wanted to read. but i need to start having some book self control if i am going to choose the 'life' path!

the moon rose into her arms...become aware, inhibit, allow...ask receive, give. i sang a song to the pine trees and danced at the sky. i drank the moonlight. it filled me up. - pam huston

shep's back!. go say hi. read his stories. they're funny. :)

only 9 batches of cornbread to bake tomorrow...my last day of work. officially, but they've asked me to work next tuesday for a ropes course group. need the money...how can you not on $200 a week?...i leave wednesday for southern california, on a plane, for my sister's graduation. won't be driving home until the end of june, so figured i could work one more day. can't believe another season is almost over. won't be coming back - i love the job, but i am ready to move on. who knows where i'll adventure to next? there's something very delicious about knowing so many opportunities are out there...

teaching pioneer yesterday, i was explaining the log house. i pointed out that the foundation was made of stones, so there weren't just logs on the ground. i asked the kids why. a little girl raised her hand eagerly.

'well, you wouldn't want your house to roll away...'

gotta love their perpecitive. i will really miss working with the kids. it is such a rewarding experience. i love it. to know they are learning, but having fun doing it. wonder where i'll work next...but i think i will definitely look to work a similar job. impractial? yes. but so worth it.

i'm a slacker. a week! ugh. it's been crazy, and this is my last week of work - of course i have to work 8am-10pm every day the last week...and i get to bake TWELVE batches of cornbread over the next few days. i don't think i will ever eat it again after this job. i worked at a smoothie bar (juice club, which is now jamba juice) one summer in college. we got a free smoothie every shift. i worked 6 days a weel. i haven't drank a smoothie since! anyways, i will catch up here later...i hate neglecting this! :(

mom, it's my birthday! 28 today. sliding down to 30. though i don't particularly like getting older, i wouldn't want to be 24 again, or 21 again, or 18 again...unless i could do it with the experiences i've had since then. those years are all just pieces of who i am now. funny how you always look back and laugh, thinking, 'i can't believe i was like/thought/said that!'

'this is kinda a hopeful song. nnmhmmm. i'm hopeful. kinda a hopeful guy. that's what you gotta do. with all the trouble in the world the first thing you gotta do is be hopeful. the second thing you gotta do is say what you think.' - dave matthews
heard this at the boone show, and now that i have it on cd, it strikes me even more. you have to hope and trust it will all be ok, that what is good will prevail. i hope in the coming year i can do both of these things - hope and be bold enough to say what i think. which i do often, but i know there are times when i worry more about what others will think of me rather than stating my true feelings.

read this in an article in utne reader this month, entitle: 'the unbearable likeness of choosing: choice means everything to modern americans, and that may be too much'. we pride ourselves on the fact that we CAN choose, but i think sometimes it seems like there are 'too many choices'. then there are worries about what those choice say about us, and what the consequences of those choice may be. the philosophy in the quote below is one i try to follow. i used to think i could control my life, that if i tried hard enough it would turn out as it was 'supposed to'. the more i am able to accept the fact that things just are as they are, make intuitve choices and don't second guess myself, the happier i am. i still do not regret anything i've done in my life - because without those choices, i would not be where i am today.

'the single most important decision any of us will ever make,' said albert einstein, 'is whether or not the universe is friendly.' deciding that the universe is friendly is the most important decision we can make toward ensuring that we can make our choices in freedom and even joy.

an old friend of mine once said to me that whenever he had a choice to make, he weighed the pros and cons seriously, but not too long; then he simply chose, and gave up all second thoughts are second guesses. 'that's because those choices make up mylife, not some perfect life.' he said. he was content to live his life, with twists and turns that no one else might make, creating patterns that belonged to him.

he could have confidence in this pattern because he believed the universe was friendly, that other people were real, and that he was deeply connected to many others. he could not, ultimately, 'lose' by making the 'wrong' decision because every decision would lead him somewhere he needed to go - to someone who could help, to some situation he could make better, to some need he could fill.

there are certainly times at this stage in my life where i think 'what the hell AM i doing?' i have no idea where i will be in 3 months, no idea what kind of job i will be working, where i'll be living, what my living situation will be...and start to worry. fortunately, those times are becoming fewer, and i tend to think 'i have no idea, but that's ok. it makes it interesting, and i trust that it will work out and i will make the choices that will lead me down my path...not the 'right' path, but mine. because that is the 'road less travelled by', and it will 'make a difference.

today was HOT HOT HOT and HUMID HUMID HUMID. must say i'm not going to miss spending the summer here. thank god for air conditioning in the staff house! i spent some of the day in barnes and noble, reading and drinking a mocha coconut frappachino. i don't think i've ever bought one before.

conversation between alissa and cute starbucks guy:

he: what would you like?
me: well, i have two questions. can you make a soy mocha coconut frappachino?
he: no, sorry, it's premade.
me: ok, what about decaf?
he: sorry, can't do that, either. only the creame ones.
me: ok, i'll have a tall mocha coconut frappachino.
he: even though you can't get soy OR decaf?
me: yup, just checking.

i think he thought i was a total nut. (coconut?)

now i can laugh about it, but what a day. guess the good thing is my life will never cease to be crazy.

my driver's license expires next week, on my birthday. thought i could renew by mail. i renewed my last two by mail...but, you can only do that twice. so here i am in north carolina, trying to figure out how i can go to a dmv in california before next wednesday to renew. too bad that instant transporter technology isn't there yet. with all the new technology, why oh why do i need to be there in person? bleh. i haven't (or, now, i should say hadn't) had a ticket in 10 years.

with plans to drive 3000 miles home, as well as fly and visit another country in the near future, i panicked. (paniced? hmm, no think it's panicked. panicced? nah...) went to the north carolina driver's license office with birth certificate, social security card, etc. the 'driver's license office' here is much different than the dmv in CA - there are only 2 women working...it's tiny! they ONLY do lisences there, though. set the little stack of ID stuff on the woman's desk. she sorts through it. asks for my insurance card. i dig it out of my purse and hand it to her.

'oh, i don't think...wait, hang on...'

hmm, this doesn't sound good.

she calls someone and asks about my insurance company, 21st century. (a small company, i guess, never thought about it before. they're inexpensive...) 'no, try twenty one. and the number. ok, thanks'

'sorry,' she says, 'you're not insured in north carolina, i can't issue you a lisence.'

what? i'm insured! apparently it's not 'recognized' in north carolina. but it's the CAR that's insured...and you don't need a CAR to drive, just a license. nope. she tells me to get other insurance. i tell her i make $200 a week and have ALREADY paid for car insurance.

'but not in north carolina...'

so, if i get in an accident here, it won't be covered?

she doesn't answer, but tells me that i will have 60 days to get my vehicle registration changed once i get a license. i tell her yes, but i need a lisence NOW. (mind you, i was polite through this, just frustrated and teary-eyed)

my arguments go nowhere...i leave the office...worried. frustrated. then realize (insert big AHA moment here) i can at least get an id which will get me on a plane and across the border. go back in, go to the other woman working (who was much nicer. when i came home and explained the story to a coworker, he said 'oh, you first went to the fat lady? she's mean!!) who got me the card...with the worst picture ever. i look like i've been crying, my eyes are all puffy and red. well, i had been crying...ah well, i have an id. now to figure out how to get one before i drive cross country...

(insert AHA moment number two here)

i'm flying home may 27 for my sister's graduation. to southern california. where (light bulb goes on) i can get a CA license .

after all that, everything will work out...i need to start believing that before i freak out next time!

now i have to figure out how to deal with this ticket thing...*sigh* (that would be the speeding ticket i got in virginia, 15 miles from home on the way home from the university of massechusettes dave and tim show...) i think i have bad car karma...carma? (ooo, bad pun, i know. resorting to bad attempts at humor here...)