crazy how much perspective has to do with how 'good' your life is - if you choose to look at things from a positive angle, even things that are unexpected and life-changing are more interesting than 'bad'.

i live in a small 2 bedroom apartment with 2 other people...i don't know where i'll be living come january...i'm unemployed (well, being i am in canada, i don't have much of a choice on that one.)...my stuff is stored in 4 different places and i'm living off of what fits in 1/2 a small bedroom and a hall closet...yet i am in a more content place than i have been in a long while.

the alternative to this doesn't sound too appealing. the last place i'd want to be right now is behind a desk and computer 9 hours a day. that is my personal nightmare. i suppose many people share this nightmare...a large number likely live it.

at times i feel guilty for not wanting 'it' - that life. somehow i *should*. isn't it what most people would want? or is it that most people want a slow paced simple lifestyle but few have actually attempted to do it? i wonder how much of your life just happens, no matter what amount of effort you put out to make it happen another way.

if you put forth the effort in the areas which 'feel right' and are personally satisfying withdrawing from things that don't give you this, no matter how 'crucial' or 'important' they are, will your life be flowing in the 'right' way - even if that way is against the flow. i used to wish for someone to tell me what was next, what was coming up, what i needed to be expecting. now i know how free 'not knowing' makes me. it becomes less conscious, the choice to not to stress, to be generous and forgiving and kind...to live.

every so often, something especially irritating will happen at the wrong time, and i get upset. suddenly i'm 'homeless, jobless and useless' instead of 'nomad, seeking and doing'. i hate it, that feeling. it happens less and less often. i still am in a state of, hmm, 'well, it was a certainly something i learned something from'. it hasn't become 'i'm a horrible terrible worker who can't do anything right'. it was something that i needed to do for myself, too. to stand up to someone when i think i've been treated unfairly, not communicated with and not respected by someone i work for (or, anyone, really). it feels good, to know that i didn't suck it up and deal. everyone deserves to be treated with respect, as do i.

in other words...life is good. i'm happy - very happy. grateful. fortunate.

i just need someplace to live january 14...and somewhere...