there's an emptiness inside her & she'd do anything to fill it in

today, i was talking (online) about both moving to portland and the deer creek show in indiana.

on the way to the gym. and after the bookstore. picked up 'edible woman'. i love margaret atwood. this is one of her books i haven't read yet, but it seemed appropriate. i had to drive to both border's and barnes and noble to find it...according to one reviewer on amazon:

"The Edible Woman" is primarily the charting of one woman's loss of identity as she attempts to mold herself to conform to the expectations of others.

i have been on an emotional roller coaster lately. not your tame, every day coaster. no kiddie coaster. no wood one with just a little 'whee!' hill. more like those 6 loop, corkscrew, zillion feet drop, zero to sixy in 1.2 seconds ones.

i question my identity everday. some days i think i know exactly who i am. and i am quite confident in this fact. other days, i question if that is who i am, or some person i have created who's not really me...that doesn't make any sense, i know. most days i feel ready to start over. but many of those most days i'm really scared. i feel selfish, not making dan happy. doing things he doesn't want me to. not being the person he wants me to be. he told me today i'm not an easy person to live with. that just does wonders for my self esteem...

ahem, sorry. i've tried to keep that issue out of here...it's been a long, tough day.

where was i? oh! yeah! :) i was behind a moving van with indiana lisence plates. (lisence is another one of those alissa-can't-remember-how-to spell-its. license?)

coincidence? curious, isn't it? how often do you see indiana plates in northern california?

she feels like kicking out the windows and setting fire to this life....she'd change everything about her, using colors bold and bright...