border's gift cards are dangerous. whenever someone gives me one, i always end up spending more than the card is worth...i walk into the bookstore as if it was christmas - so many books! cds! and i have 'free' money! i tend to go a little crazy. there was a coupon for 20% off anything in the store, so i decided it was a fine time to use the gift card i've had since my birthday (well, the last of the three from my birthday. my friends and family know what to get me :) )...

ended up with two volumes of live phish :

LIVE PHISH_02
7.16.94
Sugarbush Summerstage
North Fayston, Vermont

LIVE PHISH_07
8.14.93
World Music Theatre
Tinley Park, Illinois

the 93 show was the first bootleg i'd listened to...my phish 'introduction'. i've been wanting to buy some of the live phish cds(as opposed to, of course, dead phish cds. yes, i know that wasn't funny), and the 20% off coupon gave me a good 'excuse'. (phish! new year's! woo!)

also picked up 'comfortable with uncertainty' by pema chodron, who is a tibetan buddist nun. one paragraph:

'always maintain a joyful mind,' might sound like an impossible aspiration. as one man said to me, 'always is a very long time'. yet as we train in unblocking our hearts, we'll find that every moment contains the free flowing openess and warmth that characterizeunlimited joy'

i think this will be a useful in helping me be compassionate and understanding of others, as well as to discover things about myself. i picked up a copy of 'whole earth' and a book i read a few years back, and have been meaning to buy for a long time, just always seemed to forget about when i was at the store. 'my ishmael' by daniel quinn. i am eager to reread the book, but first i went searching for a chapter i remember, one that had a profound effect on me when i first read it, and the ideas presented in it have been haunting me the past few months. i didn't want to have it take up pages here (it's not that long, though), so please read it here

the chapter tells the story of an aimless man, searching searching searching for that 'it', unable to find satisfaction in the 'working world', but otherwise an intelliegent, educated, well-adjused person.

When winter came, his father talked him into seeing a psychotherapist he knew and trusted. Jeffrey stuck with it throughout the winter, going three times a week, but in the end the therapist had to admit that, apart from being ‘a little immature,’ there was nothing whatever wrong with him. Asked what ‘a little immature’ meant, the therapist said Jeffrey was unmotivated, unfocused, and lacked goals--everything they already knew. ‘He’ll find something in a year or two,’ the therapist said. ‘And it’ll probably be something very obvious. I’m sure it’s staring him in the face right now, and he just doesn’t see it.’ When spring came, Jeffrey went back out on the road, and if something was staring him in the face, he went on being unable to see it.

you can also read more here: illusions issue #4

i'm not sure what else to say...i relate to this on many levels, though i am still convinced it's me - me who needs to get their act together, me who needs to accept that most jobs are not deisrable, me who needs to do it to survive, miserable or not, me who needs to straighten up my marriage and my life...and it is me, at least to some extent...but isn't there another way? i have been taught the 'american dream' way my entire life - how else *do* you do it?

i'm rambling. read and enjoy. and if you haven't read 'ishmael', 'my ishmael' or 'the story of b', please do. they're well worth your time. :)